Welcome to Calamity News, where every calamity might be our last calamity, so let us have our fun, ok? Thank you.

Things might be getting worse, but that’s because we receive no closure to every calamitous news story that burns brightly for a day and then fizzles out like those wet M-80s we bought in Vegas. Horrible things have happened to families in Texas as tornadoes flatten towns, but we never get the story that most of the houses are rebuilt with timely payments from the insurance company. Shocking stories of child abuse flash across the AP feed, but we never hear about the millions upon millions of children grow up without abuse. You can apply the logic to the rest of this weeks stories, we don’t have the time.

We are only told half the story, and then told that what we just heard was the whole story. It’s not. Every one of these stories goes on for a lifetime, even beyond as children tell stories of their parents surviving the flood of ‘06 or the Sierra wildfires. So, for your peace of mind, a ton of folks just like you struggle, win and lose various battles, and then pass into history. It’s not as bad as it sounds, it’s called life.

Have a safe weekend.

Toronto, Canada - Canadian authorities quarantined a train in northern Ontario and are keeping passengers from leaving the train after a woman died and several other people came down with an undetermined illness.

“We don’t believe there’s any reason to panic,” said a Canadian official. “Dead-man’s Illness, as it’s now known, might be a highly contagious unstoppable super flu or it might just be a hoax. It’s tough to tell, most people on the train are coughing up too much blood to tell us what’s going on.”

“Hey, George,” said a researcher. “George? Where’s NX-713? No, it had a little red stopper on the tube and it was labeled ‘NX-713, do not open.’ Yeah, that’s the stopper, but where is the tube? Oh well, I’m sure it’ll turn up on Monday. Have a good weekend and good luck to your son at his swim meet. Bye!”

The CDC called the quarantine “not enough”, “we won’t rest until all of Canada is under quarantine” and “where did you think the monster came from in Cloverfield? Canada! What do you mean too soon?”

“Oh, I’m sure it’ll all work out,” said flamboyant hair-dresser Marc [last name not given]. “Now, let’s get you to the sink and wash out that horrible reporter haircut.”

Mexico City, Mexico - the United Nations Children’s Fund says about three hundred thousand youngsters work illegally in Mexico’s fields, in some cases, child farm labor is used to produce goods that are exported to the USA.

“You racist!” shouted civil rights activist Betty ‘Braless’ Ayer-Duenyas. “You don’t understand our culture! We’ve been doing this for thousands of years! You can’t just tell us not to do something that kills, maims or injures our children! Racist!”

“Hey, we don’t have your kind of legal system,” said a Mexican worker. “We exploit our children, kill anyone who illegally enters our country and order our poor and uneducated to go into your country and send money home. We got a good thing going here, so don’t [expletive deleted] it up.”

The National Parents Association Of America (NPAA) called on “all parents to stop buying goods made in Mexico”, “well, something has to be made in Mexico. Really? They don’t make anything?” and “well, maybe there’s some businesses there we can protest- none? Hmm. Ok, back to picking on stupid Canada.”

“Perhaps I can answer that question with a song,” said a White House official to the press corp. “Wheeeeeeeeeeeen- what? Fine. We can’t do anything to save those children. Happy? I was going to break it to you gently with a Broadway-style song but now I won’t do it. No. No! Ok, I’ll do it. Wheeeeeeen- no, forget it. You ruined the moment.”

Fort Campbell, KY - Soldiers returning from Iraq and Afghanistan can find themselves living in less-than-ideal conditions as US base commanders work to keep up with repairs to sometimes-century-old buildings.

“We aren’t going to let the terrorists win,” said base commander Corneal John Abrit. “We plan to unclog them from our drains, scrape them from our walls and de-rot them from our rafters. Yes, [Sergeant] Jerry [Rice], I’m using terrorism as a euphemism for the stuff that’s wrecking our base. God, everything has to be by the book, doesn’t it? Will you just shut up? No, that’s not an official order!”

“This is great!” shouted a soldier as he took covered in a blown out building in downtown Mosel as bullets ripped through the walls. “Sure, we don’t have the volleyball court the base has, but other than that, it’s much better than- OW! Ugh, no worries, the bullet passed right through. Still much better than- ow!”

The Pentagon denied giving the order to “suck it up and deal” and assured the public “we want the best for our soldiers” and “unless they complain, in which case we’ll deny them pay, healthcare and shoot their children in the stomach, leaving them to die over the course of several days. Which we also deny.”

“What are my tax dollars going to?” asked a tax payer. “How come Cobra Commander has a rad base and we’re stuck with crappy buildings from the 30s?” After a moment of thought he added, “Looks like I’m signing up with Cobra Commander’s guys. Umm, what’s their names?”

Washington DC - According to a White House report, depression, teens and marijuana are a dangerous mix that can lead to dependency, mental illness or suicidal thoughts.

“We know bad things happen in threes,” said a White House official. “So, we just though up some stuff, grouped them together in threes and ta-da; report. We figure it might make it look like we care about our citizens even though we call them ‘meat-puppets’ or ‘vote-a-dopes’. Just to clarify, we think they’re stupid.”

“I’ve wasted my life,” said teen psychologist Dr. Arthur M. Labbe at the public golf course. “I mean, these stupid kids are unfulfilled and depressed because they can’t fight the mega-consumer culture they’re about to join. They see that things aren’t going to make them happy, but they have no choice but to follow everyone else. Poor bastards are screwed. Oh, excuse me, I have to tee off.”

The Center for Suicidal Thoughts launched their ‘Think Happy’ campaign with print and television ads urging kids to “think happy” as horrible things happen to them. One print ad shows a teen watching his parents being executed by crazed Chinese soldiers, but his ‘think bubble’ reveals the teen is pretending to ride a roller coaster.

“Why bother?” asked depressed teen as he fired up his wizard bong. “Higher gas prices, global disasters, rising international tensions and strife in our own government as our great empire falls from grace doesn’t give me a lot of hope. This wouldn’t have happened if they didn’t make us take history.” After a quick smoke he added, “or if the government allowed the return of swing music in the 90s.”

New York, NY - The Project for Excellence in Journalism released a study revealing people don’t get their news from the “The Daily Show,” because otherwise they wouldn’t get the jokes.

“In conclusion, without Journalists, you’d all be [expletive deleted],” said a spokeswoman for the Project. “You need us, you news junkies, so you can get the witty commentary of John Hodgman, John Oliver, Samantha Bee or the fat guy who played the captain in that one Office episode where they go on the booze cruise. God that was a good episode.”

“Fake news just doesn’t give you as much meat as real news,” said a local man. “That is, unless they spice it up with commentary and quotes from people to really drive the point home or show how most points of view on the subject are either hopelessly out of touch or a product of media bias. Or an excuse to say [expletive deleted].”

The study goes on to conclude “television is still great”, “why would anyone read anymore? Reading is for gays and/or closet gays” and “you kids and your internets. You don’t know what you’re missing. TV [expletive deleted]rags!”

“We just took five million dollars, eighteen months and a whole lotta Kwong Ming take-out to prove that this is right,” said free-lance researcher Eric LaBracio. “So don’t wreck it by telling me it’s obvious! Well, I have to start on my next gig; studying if dogs really dream or just twitch their legs whilst sleeping as a dog-wide prank. Ta-ta!”

New York, NY - Consumers gave some of the nation’s retailers a little relief last month after months of dismal sales, gravitating toward less expensive discounters and wholesale clubs but generally still shying away from stores selling clothes and other non-necessities.

“It’s very important that people keep buying,” said Assistant Chief Federal Economist Harding Valentine. “Do you want your neighbor to have the latest widget whilst your stuck using last year’s ugly, old widget? For shame, America! You owe it to yourself to get out there and buy more widgets. Don’t ask me why, just do it!”

“How could we be so wrong?” asked a Democratic Congressman. “Why won’t the country fall apart like it’s supposed to? We didn’t throw the past two elections to have everything work out in the end! Damn it, looks like we need to organize another terrorist attack. Then we’ll rule! Wuhahahahaaaaa!”

Recession Co, a recession-theme online store, called the weakening recession “horrific for the public”, “we can’t help but to feel a little responsible what with seven hundred million in sales last quarter” and “we plan to lay off a few thousand workers next week. Hopefully that’ll help us all get back on track. Recession!”

“Oh my God!” shouted a consumer. “The recession is in recession! This means more jobs, less inflation, a stable market both domestically and internationally! What do I do, what do I do, what do I do? Ok, don’t panic, just act normal and buy as many pogs as you can. Shhhh, quietly, don’t attract attention. Yes, my credit card went through! Suckers!”

Daisetta, TX - A large sinkhole swallowed up oil field equipment and some vehicles in southeastern Texas and continued to grow.

“This was an isolated incident and has nothing to do with what our engineers are calling ‘Earth Rot’,” said oil company spokeswoman Shelly Papsidera. “We’re confident that this won’t be happening more and more with our land and sea-based oil rigs. The cost of the equipment will, unfortunately, be passed onto the consumer in the form of higher gas prices. Keep buying stuff!”

“I am alive!” shouted Mother Earth. “Now you shall feel my wrath from the years of drilling, digging and exploding! I will purge this human disease and- oh! American Idol! Who’d they vote off? Good, those dreads looked pretty dirty and that’s coming from a woman covered in dirt!”

EARTH (Everyone Around Really Try to Help) released an open letter to the public calling for “all oil drilling to stop”, “help with things and things will be great” and “can you spare any change? We can’t really keep jobs looking the way we do. Why would Target fire [member] Sam for inappropriate attire? What, dress sandals aren’t good enough?”

“The recent rash of earthquakes prove my theory,” said Earth Science teacher Mr. Ehlman. “Without the billions of gallons of oil pressing down on the Earth’s mantle, pockets of liquid rock are free to move, causing devastating earthquakes. The only way to stop this destruction is to fill the oil reservoirs with milkshakes. To Frosty’s!”

San Francisco, CA - Hackers recently bombarded the Epilepsy Foundation’s Web site with hundreds of pictures and links to pages with rapidly flashing images.

“See? Hackers are bad and are everywhere!” shouted a Pentagon official to the press corp. “I demand we stop investigating who uploaded those images and enact Presidential Order #156: Complete Control. On a totally unrelated note I’d like to thank our black ops staff for their ‘flashy’ work the past few days. Yes, the winking implies something else.”

“They’ll never catch us!” shouted a member of the Hackers. “We hackers are an evil bunch, motivated by money and sometimes spite. Anyone who does not register with our gang, attends meetings and pays dues is not one of us! We shall remain an extremely organized autonomous entity forever! Hackers!”

The Internet released a statement today which reads “why can’t people use us for the important stuff, like banking and p0rn?”, “your security is very important to us, please keep using the internet and believe that we’re trying the best we can” and “H44444444cKKK3D!!1!11!!!”

“Umm, anyone could have done this,” said a local detective. “There is no super hacking gang, no shadow paramilitary organization, no underground social movement to usurp the government. It’s just a bunch of teens who are a hell of a lot better at computers than you fat slobs.” After taking a drag from his cigarette he added, “also, am I the only one who’s not gay in this town? I knew it!”

Washington DC - Individuals with conservative ideologies are happier than liberal-leaners, and new research pinpoints the reason: conservatives rationalize social and economic inequalities.

“Did you ever stop and think we’re miserable because we have a crap President who’s killing our nation with war and limitless spending? ” asked a miserable Democrat holding a rope. “And when we finally do gain control of the House, we still can’t pull our heads out of our asses. Hey, do you know how to tie a noose?”

“It’s probably because liberal parents raise their children accept meth, abortion and satan worshipping as a way of life,” concluded a study by Republican think-tank RepublicTank. “Oh, they also don’t push their children to learn real science but rather embrace art and food stamps. Honestly, we need another war.”

The study goes on to conclude “most liberals are too preoccupied about collecting food stamps and working blue collar, dead-end jobs”, “we’re not worried about any report backlash, most liberals can’t read” and “we were not paid from the President’s slush fund to undermine the upcoming election. Hail Overlord McCain!”

“I kinda agree that the government using our tax money to subsidize people’s housing and food,” said a common man. “I mean, why am I obligated to work someone else, to give them my labor or pay? Isn’t that the definition of slavery? Won’t a ‘nanny state’ ruin America? Well, I’ll bet you ten bucks it does. Ok, I’ll see you five years.”

San Francisco, CA - A survey of bee health commissioned by the Apiary Inspectors of America revealed a grim picture, with over a third of the nation’s commercially managed hives were lost since last year.

“We take bees and bee health very seriously,” said beeologist Dr. Samuel Cheskin, dressed in a huge bee suit. “Regardless of how I look right now, I’ve spent almost thirty years studying bees and believe me when I say things are not looking good. Stop playing with my oversized stinger and listen to me! Without bees we’d- let go of my antenna. Let go! Ow, my thorax!”

“My clients will sue the EPA, the FDA and PETA,” said bee class action council Heath Majors, Esq. “We plan to show numerous failures of all federal and civilian agencies, their negligence in protecting nature and their constant portrayal of bees as vindictive [expletive deleted]s. By the time this is over, this will be the United States of Bees.”

The National Panic Attack Association (NPAA) called the deaths “God-awful”, “oh my God, oh my God, oh my God this is bad” and “hold on- [breaths in a paper bag]. Ok, it can’t be as bad as- oh my God it is! [breathes in bag]”

“Global warming is going to kill most of the animals on Earth,” typed a guy on his blog ‘Animal Arrangements.’ “That being said, I don’t know why teh [sic] cops busted up my 10-35lb. animal catapult. Pics below show the cops testing it with a bowl of jello, chopping it up with axes and handing me a two hunny dollar ticket. Bastards.”

Moscow, Russia - Dmitry Medvedev was inaugurated as Russia’s president today, pledging to bolster the country’s economic development and civil rights, in what may signal a departure from his predecessor’s heavy-handed tactics.

“We welcome the challenge,” said a White House Spokesman/Range Officer as he unloaded his Glock 18 into a target in the vast White House level 3 shooting range. “And before you ask, all of the White House staff has to be proficient in light and automatic arms. Unload and remove all magazines! You wanna try? Present firearms for clearing!”

“President Medvedev plans to do things a little differently,” said a spokesperson for the new President. “He wants to assure people that things will be a little different, but not a lot different. Thankfully, we’ll have the former president pulling the strings in the background, so you Americans don’t have a cow, man. Yes?”

The Russian Taxi Drivers Alliance called the change of power “good for Russia”, “Russia is still better than US. Better restaurants, better clubs, better girls, you know, bro?” and “where you going, boss?”

“It worked!” shouted Iranian Intelligence Commander Sadegh ‘George Bush’ Yaghoub. “Our deep cover operative has taken over Russia. Now, all I have to do is press this button, and he’ll do exactly what I say. Yep, all that stands between now and the apocalypse is this button. Just one push and it’s all over. What? I’m savoring the moment!”

Atlanta, GA - According to a new government study, people who sleep fewer than six hours a night, or more than nine, are more likely to be obese than those inside the ‘appropriate sleep-time matrix.’

“Unless your getting exactly the right amount of sleep, you’re [expletive deleted],” said researcher Akorahba ‘Andy’ Tehrani. “I’m sorry, ma’am, but the flyer specifically said ‘Adult Theme Scientific Panel Discussion.’ I don’t know why you brought your [expletive deleted]ing offspring with you. They look like little [expletive deleted]s anyway.”

“Once we discovered that government spending was obese, we decided to do everything we could to un-bloat their budget,” said Lupe Byrd, Chairwoman of Researchers Association of America (RAA). “The answer was right in front of us: obesity! After our ‘obesity kills’ study the money gates were opened wide. This is my third set of teeth. See how white they are!”

The National Board of Obese Americans (NBOA) called the study “more unwarranted obese bashing”, “what have obese people ever done to you Skinnys besides stand on escalators or emit that horrible fat smell?” and “meeting adjourned. To the gravy room!”

“When I grow up, I’m gonna be just like my dad,” said third grader Neil Schoen. “He gets to park in the blue lines, rides a scooter and you can always hear him breathing. My dad’s gonna live to forty nine or even fifty. Yay obese, umm, obesit, obesity!”

Raleigh, NC - Voters in Indiana and North Carolina crowded polling places today as they sought to settle the largest remaining contests in the Democratic presidential nomination struggle between Barack Obama and Hillary Rodham Clinton that has dragged improbably into spring.

“Voting?” shouted a drunk pollster. “Is that’s what’s going on? I thought this was the Absolut after-party! Voting’s for gays and old people, don’t you know that? You don’t wanna be an old wrinkly [obscene gay reference deleted] do you? Oh, that’s right, boo the guy who says [obsene gay reference deleted].”

“Sure, your vote counts,” said a White House official. “What do you mean ‘I should be more convincing?’ I said, ’sure,’ didn’t I? Look, pal, we didn’t pass around millions in lobbyist bribes to labor parties and corrupt polling officials to have some jagoff reporter think that voting counts! No, [assistant] Jerry, I’m gonna tell the truth, because it’s too late for them to stop us. All hail Emperor McCain!”

VOTE (Voters Outsourcing The Election), a not-for-profit group specializing in voting called today’s vote “utterly pointless”, “a complete waste of millions that could be spent securing the border or feeding our homeless” and “do you think we can put an ad for an assassin on Craigs List? No reason.”

“Dude, I’m not gonna vote, it’s not cool,” said a high school student. “Plus, like, a two party system and the electoral college is pretty much the most non-democratic way to hold an election. Third world nations have better voting systems. Once big business, labor and foreign oil is removed from our political sphere then I might consider voting, but for now, it’s just not cool.”

Santiago, Chile - The Chaiten volcano spewed lava and blasted ash more than twelve miles into the sky, prompting a total evacuation of the provincial capital and other settlements.

“So, you no longer fear me?” shouted Vulcan, the God of Fire. “Now you shall feel my wrath! Monotheism my blistering ass! You mortals do not know the awesome power we gods hold! And who is this Spock god you say is Vulcan as well? I swear to Zeus I will flood your lands with lava if it’s some nerd or emo thing!”

“I’m enjoying it!” shouted Bernard ‘Buster’ Adams at the Missouri Chariton County Thirty Seventh Annual Chili Cookoff. “Oh, I thought you were talking about [chili maker] Larry [Goshen]’s new Lava Chili and not a natural disaster which displaced millions and caused billions in property damage. Boy, is my face red.” After taking a sip of beer he added, “that’s mostly from the chili.”

Volcano experts called the eruption “run for your lives!”, “what the [expletive deleted] are you doing? Run for the boat you [expletive deleted]weed!” and “the soot is too thick, I can’t breath! Help! Someone help me, the lava’s taken my legs!”

“No worries, we’ve stored supplies, fresh water and millions of pesos (CLP) in our mountain safe,” said a top Chilean official. “Shhhh, pointing out the obvious fact that all of our stuff has been swallowed by the volcano isn’t going to get us any closer to our mountain safe-house. Now let’s all swim up the lava flow to freedom. Yep, everything is juuuuuuuust fine.”

Manila, Philippines - According to Save the Children’s global report more than two hundred million children worldwide under age five do not get basic health care, leading to nearly ten million deaths annually from treatable ailments like diarrhea and pneumonia.

“Are we too late?” asked the publisher of the report. “I know yesterday was the official celebration of killing children, but our printer was broken and then we borrowed our friend’s printer but his color cartridge was empty so we had to print it in black and white and it just didn’t look right so we went to Kinko’s but the guy we know wasn’t there so we had to wait in line and this other kid was there and he really didn’t know what he was doing… anyway, here’s our report. Sit on it!”

“Why don’t these eggheads help instead of observe from their ivory towers?” asked third world school teacher Debra VanAmburg. “Yes, there are horrors in the world so instead of being a [expletive deleted] and writing about them why not go out and help? Oh, [expletive deleted], now the children know the word [expletive deleted]. And we were just learning ‘please’ and ‘thank you’.”

The report goes on to conclude “if there wasn’t so much entertaining programming and sweet gaming options (GTA4 RuLeZ!!1!) we’d totally give these children clean water”, “I blame you, the reader, for this problem” and “Sit on it!”

“Why can’t you help me?” said a homeless man in a major US city. “How come you’re spending millions on poor people in some other country when you can’t even help out a vet who’s homeless because he lost everything paying for hospital bills.” After taking a swig from a nondescript brown paper bag he added, “Psyc! Now empty your pockets or I’ll stab out your eye.”

Moscow, Russia - Russia and the US signed a key agreement on civilian nuclear power that will give Washington access to Moscow’s nuclear technology and potentially hand Russia lucrative deals on storing spent nuclear fuel.

“Sometimes we have to take two steps forward before taking one back,” said a White House spokesman to the press corp. “Like that song- wait, where are you going? I wrote this whole thing to popular songs. You need to give a little bit to be cruel to be kind and- No, don’t leave, we have free danish after my statement! I’m livin’ on a prayer! Hello?”

“After fifty years we finally found a way to trick the Americans into letting us plan nuclear bombs in their country,” said a Russian spy. “All it took was faking the end of Communism, years of intensive bargaining for nuclear waste contracts and a will to win.” After taking a drag from his cigarette he added, “listen, can you put me down as Victor Karinov and not list my occupation? A lot of people would kill me if they found out I was a spy. Thanks, buddy.”

The US also gave Russia “keys to the White House wine cellar”, “thousands in cash and prizes” and “one hell of a steam room massage.”

“We did not give into the Russians,” said a man from West Virginia as he polished his gun in a restaurant. “We’re just cutting them a deal so they can pass the savings onto Iran and other nuclear crazed countries.” After a few moments of careful consideration he added, “whaaaaaaa?”

Beijing, China - the World Health Organisation (WHO) said an outbreak of a virus that has killed dozens of children across China may be yet to reach its peak, but will not threaten Beijing’s Olympic Games in August.

“From what we can tell, the virus is threatening only Chinese children,” said a Chinese WHO official. “All reports show zero non-Chinese children getting sick. Of course, there isn’t a round-eye for thousands of miles, but we’re confident visitors won’t get the virus that we all have. Yes, we call them ’round-eyes.’ No, it’s not racist, they’re freaks, look at them!”

“Oh, every May fifth we run as many stories about killing children as we can,” said Editor-in-Chief Bebel as he sipped a margarita. “It’s just as stupid, if not stupider, than Cinco de Mayo. It’s not even a Mexican holiday, just an excuse to get drunk at work and publish children death stories!”

The UN Viral Defense Committee called the virus “not as bad as the viral attack put out by Universal for it’s new underground fighting movie”, “horrible, but we can’t feel bad because our charter specifically states we must hate China” and “as always, we’re kidding.”

“Why must you sensationalize everything?” asked a young child. “It’s not like this could ever happen to me. I’m more at risk of childhood obesity, drive by shootings, school shootings, bullying, suicide, joining a gang, listening to emo or abuse by my parent or clergyman than catching a virus. Then again, I have been feeling a little run down lately.”

Chicago, IL - A review by federal regulators finds insulin pumps are used by tens of thousands of teenagers worldwide with Type 1 diabetes, but they can be risky and have been linked to injuries and even deaths.

“Just remember, you can try to be the best parent you can, but when it’s all said and done, you’re at the mercy of greedy corporations,” said Dr. Dennis Rigberg. “I guess we doctors could band together and do something, but we could get sued so…” After an awkward silence he added, “I was trailing off with the hope that you’d leave.”

“Let’s open a dialogue to start the healing,” said drug spokeswoman Rose Regenstreif. “We need to move past this and move forward. This was an isolated incident, we’ve taken the appropriate measures to ensure your child’s safety and well being. Your business is important to us and it’s a pleasure to serve you.” After rolling her eyes she added, “and we really, really mean it this time.”

Doctors have also released data suggesting “most teens are [expletive deleted]s and deserve it”, “God only kills the weak and stupid ones. It’s in the Bible, look it up” and “what’s going on with those steam-punk kids? Honestly, it’s just not cool. You look like Wild Wild West extras.”

“Well, I’m not letting my children near those deadly children,” said a father. “What if one of them explodes in class? Then my child is scarred for life and won’t get on American Idol or Big Brother. That is not acceptable. Not acceptable!”

New York, NY - Oil prices crossed one hundred twenty dollars a barrel today following fresh unrest in Nigeria, Africa’s largest oil producer.

“These are little fluctuations in the market,” said Oil Tycoon Franklin ‘Prince’ Paul Jonathan Fitzgerald-Benz III. “I have that many names cause I can afford em. Avert your eyes, poor person or I’ll have my agents blow up a refinery in Abu Dhabi. I’m so rich I can tell the truth and get away with it!”

“We are feeling the effects of high oil prices here as well,” said a French citizen. “Look how poor I am, I have to microwave my own crêpes!”

The National Disaster Relief Board called the new prices “the beginning of the end”, “we’d drive out to provide relief to the millions who can’t afford to drive to the supermarket if the price of gas wasn’t so high” and “after careful review, this problem isn’t going to be resolved any time soon. You’re going to have to figure it out yourselves. We’re going to Tahiti.”

“Not now, I’m watching TV,” said a typical American. “I’ll deal with it as soon as I’m done watching TV. Well, I have a lot of interneting to do as well, but after that I’ll deal with your problem. Well, I have to sleep sometime, so just put a sticky on the fridge and I’ll get to it. Go America!”

Chicago, IL - According to a comparison based on a new UK study, American children take anti-psychotic medicines at about six times the rate of children in the United Kingdom.

“I don’t know how it started,” said a mother of three as she sat her children down in front of the television with bowls of sugar cereal. “After a few years of those flashy cartoons they started hitting each other and telling me the voices made them do it. And where is [husband] Peter? How long does it take to get a pack of cigarettes?”

“Well, I can assure you we had nothing to do with this,” said a pharmaceutical CEO at a local Water and Liquid Waste Treatment and Recycling Plant. “Sure, most water filters can’t strain out the psychotics found in the water, but why would the CEO come here with a barrel of chemicals? That’s crazy!” After taking a long pull from his pipe he whispered to himself, “crazy enough to work.”

The PTA called the study “outright lies by our arch-enemy [London Based] Euro-PTA”, “our children can still out-video game their children” and “the PTA is as strong as ever! This is not a failure of leadership! Vote for Rachel Peterson, she can take on the Teacher’s Alliance!”

“Really, the United Kingdom?” asked a US resident. “Well, I’m sure they took more anti-psychotic drugs when they lost their ‘kingdom’, so let us deal with the slow decline of US power, the failure a corruptible democracy and the loss of basic ideals that once made this country great in our own way, with drugs.” After a few sobs he added, “hold me.”

Calamity News is proud to give you over-processed news in-between two toasted buns of raw terror.

Most of the news is fear. We’re going to die by global warming, toxins, bacteria, ice, the Chinese, obesity, the millions of diseases associated with obesity, more global warming, lip gloss, starvation, internet spam, nuclear bombs, faulty memories, fake blood and illegal immigrants; it’s a fact. Why else would this week’s news cover all of these stories? They must be important!

We were being sarcastic.

Have a safe weekend.

Washington DC - The Federal Reserve and other regulators initiated steps today to end “unfair and deceptive” credit card industry practices assailing consumers who are already struggling to cope in a bad economy.

“We’ve learned our lesson with the housing problem,” said Congressional aide Brant Dollentas. “Within the next ten to twelve years there will be no deceptive interest rates and we’ll avoid the credit crisis which experts say will happen in just four years. Hazzah!”

“Damn it!” said credit card scammer David Baxt. “I only have a decade to amass a few more million before the Feds realize what I’m doing and stop me. Damn it!”

The National Credit Association of America (NCAA) called the plans “a much needed effort to provide relief to millions who want to buy stuff now and then pay for it over the next few years”, “I’m sorry, but you need to have a rating above seven fifty to ask a question” and “money? Ha! The age of money is over, all hail credit!”

“Too little, too late,” said local naysayer Deedee Hein. “Sure, you’re going to publish what I say, whatever. Yeah, you’re gonna hit me if I don’t stop naysaying. Ow, that was a lucky shot, you couldn’t do that again. Yeah right, you’re gonna shoot me. Ow.”

Washington DC - Scientists warn the Arctic will remain on thinning ice, and climate warming is expected to begin affecting the Antarctic.

“We are really screwed,” said a depressed scientist as he played with the ruffles on his tutu. “I mean, we have one, maybe two years tops before the wheels fall off. I hope that explains my despair and the tutu.”

“Nah, I’m not worried,” said amnesia sufferer and Floridian home owner Andria Freed. “When you put ice in a drink and the ice melts, your drink doesn’t overflow, so my home is safe. No, I didn’t think about runoff from mountains and land-based ice. No, I don’t have insurance. No, my name really isn’t Andria Freed, it’s Elizabeth Lasenby! Oh my God, I have a husband and three children in Kansas! Excuse me!”

The National Board of Flooding called the melting warming “good news for us”, “well, we’re not really sure how we benefit from mass flooding casualties, disease and trillions in property damage” and “Robert? Why are we here? Oh, to help the victims of flooding. Well that doesn’t sound very fun.”

“We’ll finally have come closure on the whole global warming thing,” said a man. “I wanna know one way or the other if we’ve made the planet inhospitable. Is that right, inhospitable? Learned it from my word a day desk calendar. Yep, inhospitableness for everyone!”

San Francisco, CA - Salmon fishing was banned along the West Coast for the first time in one hundred and sixty years, a decision that is expected to have a devastating economic impact on fishermen, dozens of businesses, tourism and boating.

“I remember it like it was yesterday,” said a dirty fisherman. “What? I’m half man, half merman. We live around five to six hundred years. Really? You never heard of us? Hmm, you haven’t spent a lot of time on the docks. I can check if you’re half merman. Turn around and drop em.”

“This will only add to the food shortages!” said fifth grade teacher and food hoarder Paul Nau. “Now, everyone give me their non-perishable snacks. No, [class cry-baby] Johnathan [Thompson], you’re not getting these back. And if you tell your parents, I’ll make you repeat the fifth grade.”

The National Salmon Board of America (NSBA) called the ban “a horrible decision”, “what will people eat, cod? Catfish? We’re running out of fish names, people!” and “go ahead and snub salmon. You’ll see the true power of salmon, oh, you’ll see.”

“Fish is brain food,” reasoned a man who rarely eats fish. “And if we don’t have any brain food, we’re gonna get stupider, which can only lead to bad bureaucratic choices, which leads to nuclear war. Oh my God, this is the end! Run for it!”