Calamity News

Hawaii Makes One Last Mistake

2007-08-14T12:01:00.000-07:00

Honolulu, HI - Hurricane Flossie was downgraded to a Category Two hurricane, but stayed on course to brush the Big Islandjust as a five point three (5.3) magnitude earthquake jolted the Big Island of Hawaii during the night.

"Looks like someone pissed off Ruaumoko and Grothar," said a priest of ancient powers. "As long as they don't mess with Voluptas or John they'll be fine." After brandishing a Kolishnikov he added, "I'm John."

"We believe that Hawaii has already fallen to the power of the Ring," said nerd Jeffery Boiardi as he waddled awkwardly under the weight of his chain mail. "We must fight Sauron before it's too late! No, Harry Potter's a fag."

Scientists predict other disasters due to hit Hawaii include "a flock of retarded tourists", "Chinese nuclear weapons" and "a wild breakout of herpes."

"It's only a matter of time before mother nature decides she's had enough," said a thrice divorced man. "Believe me, when that day comes she's gonna go crazy and throw your stuff out on the lawn. Just 'cause you accidentally fell on her sister. And mom. A few times. I've made some bad choices."

Mattel Recalls Agents Of Death, Children's Toys

2007-08-14T11:01:00.000-07:00

Chicago, IL - Mattel has recalled over seven million toys due to hazardous magnets and lead paint this week after its embarassing recall of several million playsets back in November for similar reasons.

"Since when is lead paint dangerous? Oh, come on, lead paint wasn't around back then, I don't even think we had evolved yet," said a surprised representative for Mattel. "And, really, magnets? I have them on my fridge, for pizza deliveries and cabs. I've been divorced for three years, she blamed me when our son died. Lead and magnet poisoning, but that's just a coincidence! No more questions!"

Ticonderoga, one of the nation's largest pencil manufacturers, called the recall "easily avoidable" and "our pencils are made of lead, Mattel should have asked us for advice" and "please only use a Number Two on Scan-Trons".

"I thought it was just a mistake when the packaging for the dolls said, 'warning, not safe for children.' I mean, they're children's toys, right? Tell me I'm not a bad mother. Tell me right now, or I will cut you!" shouted Mary Kishishian, single mother of four. "You're lucky my blade got jammed."

"The government no longer believes that children are our future. They don't want to teach them well and let them lead the way. They'd rather watch as the population comes to a grinding halt," explained noted Pop Historian Dorian 'Whip-It' Coogan. "I'm think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so. Seriously, look at my eyes!"

Fall of US Mirrors Fall of Rome, But Without Magic

2007-08-14T10:08:00.000-07:00

Washington DC - The country’s top government inspector has warned the government is on a ‘burning platform’ of unsustainable policies and practices with fiscal deficits, chronic healthcare underfunding, immigration and overseas military commitments threatening a crisis if action is not taken soon, akin to the fall of Rome.

"This is our time to shine," said personal assistant Angie Boonstra to a producer for the hit HBO series Rome. "Talk about a great cross promotion opportunity! We've already booked the White House for our wrap party! Hurray for the end of civilizations!"

"Ain't nothin' wrong wit lettin' the State pay ma bills," said a low income, inner city resident. "Just cause I let daddy Sam take care o' everthin' don't mean we gonna fall apart. Now I'm gonna watch ma Springer re-runs, smoke ma meth and be radically irresponsible. Bye now!"

The US government was also compared to the 1962 Mets, the Hindenburg and "the millions of women who are abused each year but don't break the silence."

"Maybe it's time we stop deluding ourselves and admit the end is nigh," said a guy wearing a shirt that reads 'Everything is Fine.' "Wow. I feel much better knowing I'm gonna die at the hands of hooligans whilst the government rots from the inside. Hey, Springer re-runs!"

New Clown Regulations Rob Children of Joy, Change To See What Happens If They Don't Go To College

2007-08-14T09:02:00.000-07:00

London, UK - The British clown community has been told they can't use balloons in their act because children might be allergic to latex, if they're going to use a bubble-making machine because to get public liability insurance as companies assessed that youngsters might slip and hurt themselves and don't twist balloons into the shape of guns for fear of encouraging youngsters to commit violence, although swords were deemed acceptable.

"This is bulling [expletive deleted]ing [expletive deleted]," noted Binky the clown. "Sorry, kids but it's better you learn how adults talk from Binky than from your [expletive deleted]ing whore of a mother. Since I can't legally do my act, I'm gonna tell you where you can find the cheapest [expletive describing an exchange of money for sexual contact deleted]."

"Back in my day we used to always have clowns at parties," said a middle aged man. "Some of them would make balloon animals, some of them would kidnap, abuse and kill us. But that's why we had so many brothers and sisters, to keep the clown community from attacking the adults." After a moment of thought he added, "so that's why I wake up crying."

The mime community called the new restrictions "an uno-penable door", "like walking against a strong wind" and "what? How else would we say this without... oh."

"My innocence is lost," said a teenager as he put out his cigarette on the side of the 7-11. "Now let's rob this [expletive deleted]er."

Email Bests Memo In Annoying Arena of Annihilation

2007-08-13T15:53:00.000-07:00

London, UK - According to new research increasing numbers of workers say they are swamped with a never-ending tide of messages causing 'e-mail stress.'

"The number of memo deaths has dropped over the past fifty years, whilst the number of email deaths have billiontoupled in the same time," said a researcher as he typed away at the computer. "The annoying bit is Johnson over here won't die from my emails. Yes, I'm aware you can hear me Johnson, please just reply to me in email form. Thank you and die." He added, "oh, we've been feuding for years. I just can't get a gun licence 'cause of my record."

"Remember when spears and guns killed people?" asked '90's war re-enactor Mike "Private Johnson" Johnson. "Excuse me, I have to get ready for the four o'clock show." He added in a stage whisper, "I'm killed guarding Slobodan Milošević's cell. It's so exciting!"

The National Paper-cut Prevention Consolidation (NPPC) called the surge in email stress "over-hyped", "more lies from the email community" and "compared to the sharp pain of a paper-cut, freaking out over a few emails is stupid. Let us say this again: stupid."

"The kicker is most of this information is forwarded by email, which, ironically, has been well received," said self-proclaimed emailologist Becky Headwitter. "Fine! I've been doing the killings and blaming email! But you're not going to tell anyone cause I have this-[tape abruptly ends]"

Coffee Snaps Its Fingers And Says 'So Close' As It Almost Kills Teenager

2007-08-13T14:41:00.000-07:00

London, UK - A teenager was rushed to hospital after overdosing on espresso coffee after downing seven double espresso coffees while working in the family's sandwich shop and was left "burning up and hyperventilating."

"This is an isolated incident," said coffee roaster Juan [last name withheld]. "Coffee is safe, as seen in this video: Coffee didn't kill this lab rat, scientists did. Roll it, Julio!"

"My only hope is she recovers," said a spokeswoman for meth(amphetamine). "So we can get a crack at her. Smoke em if ya got em!"

Beverage experts across the globe weighed in on the current scare calling it "really scary", "made me scared" and "oooooh, scary!"

"If you drink a lot of anything it's bad for you," said drinkologist Benjamin N. Zaccagnino. "I shall now make my point by drinking this thirty pack of Schlitz. Ugh, once you're over the first sip you're fine. Ugh, the second sip. Ugh, the third sip. Ugh."

"We've passed laws to have all stupid children shot," said a State Department official. "By our reckoning, we've got a lot of child-slaying to do, a lot of child-slaying. A lot."

Bed Bugs Plague Los Angeles

2007-08-13T13:47:00.000-07:00

Los Angeles, California - Earthquakes, wild fires, and traffic may end up being a gift to residents of Southern California, now that their homes have been attacked by a plague of bed bugs.

"This is preposterous, I live in Bel Air, dammit. I should be waking up with a pool boy next to me, not bed bugs!" said an unidentified Botoxed Bel Air resident. "I pay an old Mexican lady minimum wage to make sure this doesn't happen! I'm calling ICE."

"These are trying times for the people of Los Angeles," said a spokesperson for District Council 1689402, yawning as he scratched at a red spot on his neck. "But we are strong and we shall prevail. No bed bug will keep us from... getting our beauty sleep so... tired... must...[snores until polite applause wakes him] Thank you."

"How can our government, let alone our district councils, sit and do nothing as these disease infested bugs attack our livelihood?" said an attorney with a "I Protest Everything!" button on his lapel. "Our country may be at war with Iraq, but dammit we can't forget the wars at home: the war against bed bugs! I'm voting for the draft."

"A litle bug bite never hurt anyone. Well, sure, tarantulas, black widows, jellyfish, bee stings, but outside of those, bug bites don't kill," said a spokesperson for the CDC. "Granted, I'm no bug expert, but it's safe to say we're safe for now. Tomorrow my minions will infest some rats with bed bugs and come up with some crazy new bed bug diseases and then we're all screwed. But for today, we're ok."

California Due To Crack Off, Float Into Sea and/or Drop the Attitude

2007-08-13T12:05:00.000-07:00

Los Angeles, CA - A top seismologist is warning that another major earthquake is in our future, a big one that could devastate Southern California, from the desert to the sea.

"With all these hurricane warnings, we feel that the public has lost its fear of the Earth," said Doug 'Shakes' Keoghan from his 'Shake Shagger' Van. "Now which one of you lovely reporter ladies wants to feel a seven point five below the equator?"

"Oh my God! Did you feel that one?" said middle aged, unmarried worry-wart Ann Scowden from her assistant desk at Kepler, Thames, Johnson and Schwitz. "Was that a truck? Earthquake! Here it comes, we're all gonna die! I regret everything!"

Other States call the prediction "about time Cali gets taken down a peg or two", "I'm looking forward to a Superman I style catastrophe" and "I know we're sticking our necks out, but our State officially declares war on California."

"Oh, we've been in here chopping away since the 50s," said a dirty miner at the San Andreas Fault. "The Russians said they've give us all of Nevada once we've dumped California into the sea. I don't care that we're traitors, we're gonna be rich, right kids? That's my family, they've never seen the sun."

Eighty Three Year Old Skydiver Reaches One Hundred Dives, Promises World Domination

2007-08-13T11:06:00.000-07:00

Glenville, NY - A eighty-three-year-old from Albany, New York, has achieved one hundred skydiving jumps and has vowed to reach two hundred.

"Get the hell off my lawn!" shouted one old man in his eighties from his porch. "I don't care if I get in the local paper, get the hell off my lawn before I call the horse brigade!"

The U.S. Military called the feat "impossible", "implausible" and "should we be worried about old people parachuting in and taking over?"

"It's training for the final war. Of course it's them! We'd never expect it from old people," explained nationally acclaimed alarmist Franklin 'Holy [expletive deleted]ing [expletive deleted]!' Williams. "If I could just get one woman to go on a date with me, she'd see it's not all I'm about!" He added, "holy [expletive deleted]ing [expletive deleted]!"

U.S. Intelligence immediately intercepted messages from Italy, Germany, Norway, Switzerland. "Basically, they think we've run out of young soldiers and are training geriatrics now. Boy, are they in for a big surprise! That means we're going to bomb the [expletive deleted] out of them when the global war happens! Tora Tora Tora!" cried one high ranking military general. "Oh, that's what that means. Nevermind that, then."

Pentagon Claims It Won't Draft (the weak ones)

2007-08-13T10:06:00.000-07:00

The Pentagon - The Pentagon sharply rejected a key general's assertion that a return to the military draft has always been "an option on the table" and should be considered.

"First of all, we're not going to draft anybody," said a Pentagon official. "Secondly, and this has nothing to do with the first thing, if you cross your fingers whatever you say doesn't count. Just a FYI. Lastly, we're not happy about the thousands of non-agents that's destroyed N. Korea from the inside. Booyeah!"

"I came to this country as a draft dodger," said an illegal immigrant as he crossed the Arizona desert. "Also my country really stinks. Look how poor I am, I can not afford ideals or logic! Look, a desert pond! I shall lie in the sun for a while before jumping into it!"

In response to the Pentagon announcement several hundred countries initiated the draft with hopes that "we can finally beat America back into submission" and "Canada will finally rule North America! Wuhahahahha!"

"Have you watched reality television lately?" asked a top US General as he picked that the end of his riding crop. "We need to kill as many young people as possible! I see you're all agreeing with me, so I'll keep going. We need to kill all the Persian men so they can't breed. Ok, I see I've lost you, so let's just agree on the killing young people and call it a day."

Los Angeles Airport Dubbed 'Most Torturous Place On Earth'

2007-08-13T09:01:00.000-07:00

LAX, CA - A computer that processes customs information went down over the weekend and thousands were left waiting on planes and in terminals for hours.

"I literally waited on a plane for four hours before they took us back to the gate and told us we had to re-checkin," said a terrorist at a pawn shop opening. "It was then I realized, I don't have to do anything, so I opened this shop! How much you want for that recorder?"

"We have fixed the problem and are proud to announce we've upgraded to a VAX 11/780 system," said an airport official. "This new system controls everything from [mic cuts out] and finally [loud distortion ending with smoke from the podium]"

Other airports have used the LAX Delay as a "gold standard of messing with customers" which pales in comparison to Denver's "promise them free snacks but charge them ten bucks", Logan Airport's request that "employees don't shower" and Tampa Airport's "stick a ferret in their suitcase."

"If we treated our citizens like the airports, we'd have a revolution on our hands," said a White House spokeswoman. "That being said, I'd like to announce a new law the President passed himself called 'I am now the King.' You get the gist. Make sure you bow, or it's a day in the Iron Maiden!"

Thoughts For The Weekend

2007-08-10T15:59:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Calamity News, having the last laugh since last year or so!

We've received three emails this week and only one had a legitimate question and wasn't peppered with profanity or a threatening letter littered with the word 'libel.' And to answer the third email: no, it's not just one guy writing the whole thing. Which segues us nicely to the next paragraph.

Take a look at the writers bios. Guess which ones are roommates, which one adopted a red velvet oversized chair from the Editor and which one looks Asian but is Irish. The winning entry will receive a six day trip to exactly where they are right now, no expenses paid. Sorry.

Have a safe weekend!

Army Up's The Ante, But In A Fun Way

2007-08-10T11:16:00.000-07:00

Washington DC - Despite spending nearly $1 billion last year on recruiting bonuses and ads, Army leaders say an even bolder approach is needed to fill wartime ranks. Under a new proposal, men and women who enlist could pick from a "buffet" of incentives, including up to forty five thousand dollars ($45,000) tax-free that they accrue during their career to help buy a home or build a business.

"Most people take the money, but a few take the dining room set or the fourteen Karat gold money clip and lighter," said Staff Sergeant Greg 'I'll rip your [expletive deleted]ing arms off' Smith. "We're adding a leather Chippendale sofa and a trip to Bermuda this week to round out the prize list. Now get out of here or I'll rip your [expletive deleted]ing arms off."

"Thankfully, most of them will be injured so grievously they'll become a shell of their former self and we'll never pay them," said a White House official. "Say, when's this interview going to start?"

Not to be outdone, the Navy offered several new incentives including "drowning", "violent man-love" and "join us or we'll come to your house, shoot your dog and enslave you."

"Please, the more soldiers in our country the easier it is to recruit for our jihad," said a terrorist as he posted up a huge poster that read [translation- America is stupid. Join us!]. "Please, stupid America, join your war machine and the world will surely thank you. Stupid!"

Mass Dinosaur Grave Defrauds Comet Theory, Confirms Dinosaur Nazi Theory

2007-08-10T10:00:00.000-07:00

Zurich, Switzerland - An amateur paleontologist in Switzerland may have unearthed Europe's largest dinosaur mass grave after he dug up the remains of two Plateosaurus.

"We're not going to rest until the perpetrators are brought to justice," said a member of the UN Security Council. "We believe that this is how the Nazi's learned about mass murder or they themselves committed these atrocities. Either way, we're going back to what we do best, yammering about the Nazis."

"No honey, Barney's dead," said a father to his little daughter as he unceremoniously threw her Barney toy in to the trash. "They found his rotting corpse in Switzerland. Yeah, well, so much for neutrality, right?"

The Paleontologist Union (Local #2) called the discovery "just another reason why we should be getting a better pension plan" and "when are we going to tell them we've cloned a dinosaur. Fine, we'll wait till the 'time is right.'"

"This proves the dominant species on Earth is not guaranteed to permanently rule," said a White House official as he stared at a huge set of monitors in a secret intelligence bunker deep in the Earth. "But we have cameras so we'll know how to read the signs! We've done it! We've outsmarted the dino- what's that? Oh my God, it's coming right for-[tape ends]"

Monster Truck Ravages Crowd

2007-08-10T09:00:00.000-07:00

Dekalb, IL - A monster truck stunt went awry in the sleepy suburban DeKalb when a truck ripped through a crowd injuring at least ten spectators.

"What were people expecting?" shouted a mother who's son is friends with another boy in his grade who's older brother's girlfriend's mother was in the parking lot before the show. "They don't call them 'monster' trucks for nothing! What if it bit one of the children?"

"We're professionals, I don't know how it happened," said Geoff "Gills" Jefferies as he took a long drag off a pipe in the local opium den. "I got my name when I drove into the lake. Now ask them purple stools to stop yammering and get me my keys, I got a show to do!"

The Extreme Sporting World (ESW) called the incident "unfortunate" but "we're proud to announce a new extreme sport is born: hitting spectators with cars!"

"In the not to distant future, all cars will turn on their masters," said a mechanic. "Then we'll be at the mercy of our new metal overlords and I will be their King! All hail King Henry!"

New York City's Weather Problems Become A Problem

2007-08-09T13:00:00.000-07:00

New York, NY - The National Weather Service said a tornado touched down several times in Staten Island and in Brooklyn, where winds downed trees, tore off roofs and wrapped signs around posts.

"Well, I understand why God wouldn't like Staten Island, but Brooklyn?" said Father Tony Garrubbo from Our Lady of Perpetual Motion in Flushing. "But enough about me, what are you hear to confess? Really? When did you kill the woman? Wow. Ever think of becoming a priest?"

"Tornados can occur anywhere," said tornado expert and Brooklyn Little League Coach Scott Daikeler. "So you kids play as hard as you [expletive deleted]ing can or I'll tornado your [expletive deleted]ing faces. Got it? Now get out there and have some fun!"

The National Weather Service wrote an open letter to America because "we want to impress on you guys that we don't control the weather, so stop asking us to make it rain" and "you're all stupid. So very stupid. Guess what? We're gonna punish you with tornadoes!"

"One more natural disaster and the City will shut down," said a natural disaster worker as he frowned at his clipboard. "Well, have a good day." After staring at the reporting pool for several minutes he added, "Fine. You want a quote?" He then screwed up his face and screamed "We're all gonna die! This is the end! [Expletive deleted]!"

Study: Everything Gives You Cancer, Literally Everything

2007-08-09T12:42:00.000-07:00

London, UK - In a shocking report, experts warn binge drinking, reckless sunbathing and overeating are fuelling a massive rise in cancer.

"What? Change my lifestyle?" shouted a drunk, obese woman as she held a cigarette in each hand. "I only do this once in a while! How could this be bad for me if I only do it once in a while?" After falling down and cracking her head on the edge of a table she added, "tell my children I love them."

"Well, I guess I can take this off then," said John "Alien Defender" Greenberg as he removed a tinfoil hat and the phonebooks duct-taped to his arms and legs. "I was under the assumption that aliens were giving us cancer, just to clarify."

The National Federation of Binge Drinking, Eating and Sunbathing Americans (NFoBDEaSA) called the announcement "nothing less than slander" and "what's more fun: science or getting wicked drunk? We're going to assume the answer is 'wicked drunk' until science tells us otherwise."

"Since life has no meaning and simply existing gives us cancer, I'm gonna shoot as many people as I can," said a very calm man. "Oh, don't look so horrified, you were thinking about doing the same thing. Put down that pad and join me. Great. Now this is how you load a gun."

Whites Finally Get Their Come-uppins

2007-08-09T11:06:00.000-07:00

Washington DC - Whites are now in the minority in nearly one in ten US counties and that increased diversity, fueled by immigration and higher birth rates among blacks and Hispanics, is straining race relations and sparking a backlash against immigrants in many communities.

"As a member of the media it's very important that I use the word 'diversity' and not 'massive illegal immigration invasion'," said Alfred Johnson, a member of the media. "Also, I'd like to take this time to change my name to Alfonzo Jose Gonzales and ask for a large pay raise or I will have the ACLU all over you [expletive deleted]s."

"Take that whites! Now we'll make some changes," said a pale skinned woman as she drank a diet Tab. "What? I'm French-Canadian, don't judge me! You don't know me! You don't know me!"

White America responded to the survey noting "we're still smarter", "well, we can't beat the Asian community; they will soon be America's overlords" and "damn it!"

"I'm preparing for the upcoming race war," said local hick Morris "Tennessee" Zotner as he loaded up his potatoe cannon. "Them Irish are gonna get it good. Can anyone give me a lift to Ellis Island?"

Global Warming Attacks Tourists

2007-08-09T10:02:00.000-07:00

Oslo, Norway - A huge chunk of an Arctic glacier dislodged and fell into the sea, triggering a wave that rocked a sight-seeing boat and injuring eighteen British tourists.

"Okay, okay, fine, global warming exists, happy? God, haven't you ever seen cartoons when an animal or some dopey fella' steps on a glacier just right, and a big crack forms and a big chunk falls? No?" asked a White House correspondent at the Seventh (7th) Annual White House Glacier Cakes and Pie Eating Contest. "It's my kids, they love those mother[expletive deleted]ing cartoons. Oh, and global warming is a myth, much like the Lochness Monster or gravity. Deal!"

A representative from Norway straightened the Heather flower on his oversized lapel and called the event "bad publicity for the Norway" and "a shame for the Britain, as the tourists were from the Britain" and finally "the Sweden can suck it".

"The ice is much firmer here, so, no. Why are you talking to me again?" asked Eastern Region Speed Skating Champion Gary "Sharp Blades" Madigan. "Oh, thanks, but it has more to do with my performance in the sack than skating. Yes, seriously."

Global Warmologists rejoiced this week and released a statement on recycled paper. "See, we were right, and we will dance on everyone's dead bodies, but only for a few minutes, because then our bodies will melt and we'll all be dead together. Celebrate!"

No New Taxes = Civil Uprising

2007-08-09T09:03:00.000-07:00

Washington DC - President Bush dismissed raising the federal gasoline tax to repair the nation’s bridges at least until Congress changes the way it spends highway money.

"I kinda like the announcement, cause it says no new taxes but I don't like it because of my irrational hatred of Bush," said Ellen Troshinsky, liberal voter. "I mean, if Newsweek doesn't like him, why should I? Why are you laughing?"

"Usually when a politician says something they mean the opposite," said a politician. "Except my previous statement which is true and not a lie. Err, and the last one. Damn it, this is why we're 'winning the war' and 'making nice with China!'"

The National Board of Transportation wrote an opened letter to America where they claimed "they weren't responsible for anything that happens to the roads" and "how can you hold us responsible when the roads are in different states. Why don't you just blame the states?"

"It's only a matter of time before they start taxing us for everything," said a mild mannered tax accountant. "Then I'll reform the Rebel Alliance and we'll take them all down! WUHAHAHAHHAHA! Sorry, sir. I'll keep it down."

Iraq Just Can't Get It Right

2007-08-08T13:10:00.000-07:00

Tehran, Iran - Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki met with officials in Iran today to seek help in reining in violence in his country, reaching out to a nation the US accuses of fueling Iraq's turmoil by backing Shiite militants.

"They are doing no such thing," said an Iraqi official. "Sure, we found weapons on the Iranian diplomats, plans called 'Destroy Iraq' and a list of all known terrorist agents in our country, but we share the same religious beliefs so they can't all be that bad! Plus they made us some great hummus."

"If Iraq meets with our enemy, Iran, then Iraq must be invaded and their government toppled," shouted a White House spokeswoman as she banged furiously on her podium. "I don't care, we'll re-topple them! It should be easier what with their civil war and idiot government. Now who here wants to see me sketch Mohammed?"

Other nations promise "global destruction", "human extinction" and "many violent love sessions" unless the US backs off its aggressive rhetoric. The State Department responded by flipping the bird to the east and then a long mooning to the west.

"Hey, it's time to put up or shut up," said a typical American. "We need to race more cars, drink more beer, get drunk and fight! America rules! We're the bestist ever!" After a minute of questioning he responded, "no, what's irony?"

New York Attacked Again, This Time By Rain

2007-08-08T11:02:00.000-07:00

New York, NY - Torrential rain flooded subways and rail lines and delayed flights early today at New York's three major airports and thousands of commuters were stranded for two hours or more.

"We shall fight this, what are we calling it? Rain? Odd. We shall fight this rain with all that we have!" shouted a New York official. "United we stand! Charge!"

"I used to be a tough-guy, but I can't compete with the rain," sobbed former tough-guy "Tough" Nick Riabov. "I used to mug people and take their wallets, but the rain mugs them of their hearts. Oh God, it's all hopeless!"

Chicago, Boston and Des Moine offered "their support and heart-felt condolences" to New York and promised to "send as many umbrellas as possible." They added, "the Postal Service will deliver the stuff as soon as it stops raining."

"Seriously? Who's afraid of the rain?" said a guy from Long Island right before he slipped and fell in a puddle. "Ow! My leg! My legs broke and I can't move! Help! This puddle is deep and I'm going to black out and drown... help... me. Hel-"

FCC Rules In Favor of Stagnation

2007-08-08T10:05:00.000-07:00

Washington DC - The government gave a failing grade to a prototype device that technology companies said would beam high-speed Internet service over unused television airwaves.

"Well, for onesies, it was way too fast!" said a FCC official. "We can't have people downloading stuff that fast, it makes no sense! For twosies, it uses existing infrastructure and will have no wires! Gross! And for lasties, we get a lot of money from companies who don't want to change their business so go [expletive deleted] yourself."

"We figured they'd do that," said Steven "The Scripter" Petitti, computer nerd, as he typed furiously at his keyboard. "So we're going to strike back. I've just written a Perl script which will internet order a pizza to the FCC every half-hour for the next eighty years! Uh-oh. Can you hide? If my step-dad finds out you're down here, he's gonna beat me. Thanks."

The FCC also voted against "releasing more bands for air-traffic control", "de-regulation of satellite radio" and "giving medicine to babies."

"We've given them too much control," said a White House official as she glanced over she shoulder. "They're planning a new global offensive which- I've said too much! Run!"

Chinese Food Worser Than Previous Thought

2007-08-08T09:04:00.000-07:00

Washington DC - An Associated Press investigation found at least one million pounds (1,000,000 lbs) of suspect Chinese seafood landed on American store shelves and dinner plates despite a Food and Drug Administration order that the shipments first be screened for banned drugs or chemicals.

"Can I get a what, what?" shouted a FDA official as he tested a batch of Trader Ming's Shu Mai. "[Expletive deleted] man, this stuff ain't have nothin' in it but food. Oh my God, all this stuff is food!" After staring at a cloud he added, "what holds up the sky?"

"We use quality goods that you find in America," said a Chinese Seafood processing manager. "This vat cleans and de-shells, this separates the various kinds of seafood for packaging and this machine pats everything down with a fine layer of cocaine. It keeps people interested in our product."

The FDA also warns citizens to lookout for suspicious cookies from Finland, ticking sandwiches from Iran and anything made by the Germans, as technically all government agencies are still at war with the country due to a mixup with the invites to the Treaty of Versailles signing.

"I'm sure they're sitting in their high-backed chairs with their fingers tented say, 'oh, isn't phase one going well?' Well now we're onto your game, China!" shouted a White House spokeswoman. "And this is one American who isn't going to take it lying down!" After punching an Asian woman she added, "Oh. I'm so sorry. Who knew the Korean press would be here? Oh, you did? Die!"

US News Service Figures Out Summer Is Hot

2007-08-07T15:38:00.000-07:00

St. Louis, MO - Hot, humid air is blanketing wide areas of the nation this week, and health experts have been urging people to stay in air-conditioned buildings and take it easy.

"We've finally cracked the code," said a local hot scientist as she flipped a full head of blond hair around. "This heat makes things hot. Now if you excuse me, I'm late for my other job as a stripper. No, I don't have to change, I'm a scientist stripper at Bunz. Here's a two for one drink coupon."

"Mercy me," said a grandmother. "This [expletive deleted]ing hot weather makes my [expletive deleted]ing [expletive deleted] all [expletive deleted]ed up. Oh, my programs are on!"

The AP also broke several other newsworthy stories including "When will it get cold?", "What do dogs think of when they look like that?" and "Hot enough for ya?"

"This weather is obviously an attack by the terrorists cause they... you know," said a White House official. "Ugh, to hot for rhetoric. Let's all agree we've been screwing around for a few years and leave it at that, ok? Thanks. Let's get some of that free Rose Garden beer!"